Wrote this on 1st October 2009 in my personal blog, I hope all of you will enjoy this while I am away! xx
I’m alarmed at my lack of concern at my perpetual discontent with my life. It recurrently extrapolates to random mild panic attacks that occur mostly at night, when I can’t bloody sleep. Will I ever be happy in this repressed, conformist country of residence that I currently call home?
Don’t get me wrong, I love Singapore and it has its own set of merits. But with the stability that this country provides me, it has taken away my ability to be different, to act independently, to think as an individual. As with most Asian nations, the collective mindset is so deeply entrenched that many individuals often feel entrapped and mentally constipated.
I often wonder when this will prove to be too much for me to handle. It will be, to me, the most colossal regret if I live the life of the Average Jane. To follow the orthodox path of every other Singaporean- study, work, marriage, kids-, to blindly chase after the mind-numbing dreams of riches and corporate success, without actually thinking or asking what they actually want … that will be the most vitriolic abuse I can affect on myself. A life traipsed in drudgery.
I am not entirely definite I can break out of the insurmountable mold that had been laid out before me. Unequivocal disconnect requires equal parts bravery, wisdom, nonchalance and fatigue. I am, however, incontrovertible that I must crave my own path, my road to Happiness as mindless integration is the stimulus of my frustrations, a capitulation of my self-identity which debilitates my very core. I believe deep down in me, a carefree soul that craves a life of effervescence, an existence of challenges and passions resides.
All I need to do is, like they say, “awaken the Dragon”. How felicitous, considering that it’s China’s Birthday today. 1st October – what a momentous date. My life of leisure officially ends this weekend. It was supposed to meet its timely, calculated demise last week but was briefly resuscitated with a decision to extend my trip. Oh, the woes of being in a long-distance relationship. But hey, I can’t help but be secretly glad about it. Whaddya’ know? I am the Queen of procrastination, especially when it comes to ‘grown-up’ matters.
You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. Can’t fight with a 19th century German philosopher, can I?
*note: I respect anyone, or every one who has these dreams, so don’t be offended because I’m most morose in writing. I, however, do not deem this suitable for my soul to be still and satiated.